I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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