I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize