i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
