and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Dignity is for republicans.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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