Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
