Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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