wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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