I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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