this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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