Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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