My sheets look like a crime scene.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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