He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
