I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
