I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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