I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You pole danced in your parka.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize