i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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