I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
