i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
