Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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