I accidentally burped into my bong.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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