let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
