moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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