He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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