Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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