I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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