He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
