Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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