My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
