Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
