I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
