Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
