hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
