he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Randomize
