i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
