Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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