i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize