Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
she pinky promised me she was 18
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
