the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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