i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
