I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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