i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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