I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
