walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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