youre lurking in front of me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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