I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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