So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
