remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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