If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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