Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
