I think I won the penis lottery.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize