Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
where am i from again
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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