I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
