She went from zero to smokin in five shots
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Holy sore nipples Batman
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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