It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
