Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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