fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
