everyone is single if you try hard enough
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize