I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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